Well life has not stop with its deadly surprises.

Posted: August 10, 2013 in A thought for a day, Advance Prostate Cancer, Life

Well life has not stop with its deadly surprises. My mother passJaen Fitzgerald Kennedy & Marie Dunleavy Mac Sharry. away on the 6th of August at midnight. We were expecting it; however, when the time comes it is never right. I was asleep at the time in my new home. I had finally stuck to my original plan and got my own place. My brother ex-partner was very close to my mother and she took it very bad. He asked me to look after her as he was on duty in the army and was about to put in for relief. As he was four hours away I stood in for him. I did not show any affection at all for my mothers death. I knew with me it will hit me two or three days later. I think Sharon my brother ex-partner was taken back by how cool I was. My mother had just died and it appeared to have no effect on me. I did what I could do for Sharon and when my brother arrived I went back home.

I knew that this was going to hit me and I did not know when. Daniel my partner was online on Skype and I talked all night with him. He was like Sharon crying his eyes out and here I was just cool and showing no emotion at all. I was annoyed at my father for some reason. I told Daniel that I must be a cold bastard not to feel what everyone else is feeling now.  He told me I was in shock and people like that behave like you do. I am here for you.

I never got any sleep that morning. I got up early and head over to my father. He was up with my brother Michael in the sitting room. I put my hand on his head and that was the first time I shed a tear for my mother. I went into the kitchen to put on the kettle for a cuppa and then broke down and cried. It just realised she was gone for good. I remember her saying to me a few weeks before, you and I will be leaving soon. I only wish we could be together. I brush her off and said it is not time yet for me. My mother has great believer in prayer and a few weeks later when I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and had to be rushed into Galway Hospital for emergency treatment at the same time my mother was rushed into hospital in Castlebar. As I was leaving my mother put her hands up to the sky and said I want to go. What no one else knew was that she was asking god to take her instead of her son. All mothers will do everything for their family, despite what age their kids are and here was an example.

My mother and me were very close; however, I was so tied up in myself looking after me, I did not see the full picture. My mother was dying before my eyes and I never cop on to it until it was too late. In all the time she was in hospital I only called into see her once. The next time I met her was at home and she was so small in her new special bed which she did not like. I shaked hands with her at a distance as I was afraid I might pick up another hospital bug like I did before. I could not take a chance again as my immune system is very low. This I knew at the time I would regret as my mother was expecting a hug. I even thought later if I put on something to protect me I could hug her; however, what could it be. I left it at that and on Monday I was to call to see her. I mention this to Sharon and we both agreed we call up on Wednesday. Death did not wait and my mother went that night. needless to say I will always regret not giving her a hug at that time. I do know now that my mother was right in saying we are both going soon as I can see changes coming in my life that are not good for me.  I attended her funeral at the church which was nice and when she was laid to rest. It all turned out well on the day. There was a great peace in my fathers home and for the first time my sister and me talked as we use to. As usual cancer takes it told on me. I was very tired, once I get like that I find it hard to walk straight and concentrate. I stay overnight in my fathers home. Later on I could hear everyone downstairs talking into the late hours of the morning. I was too weak to join in and when I awaken the next morning everyone had left. I had breakfast and headed up to my mothers grave. It was a silent moment between her and me. I headed home to make a cuppa for dad and we talked. My brother Noel was trying to sleep in the sitting room while the parrot was in full singing mood as he is at that time of the morning. I told Noel to move upstairs to my old room and sleep there. My father told me no one will sleep in your room. I told dad I had my own place now and that room is no longer mine. It is nice to have ones own place call home.

My only problem now is waiting for Daniel to join me and I wonder for how long that will be. Its all out of my hands now, they say two years and I am just a spectator watching my watch to see if they are right or not.

Gerard Mac Sharry.

10th August 2013.

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