Archive for the ‘Advance Prostate Cancer’ Category

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Hope is all I live on now because there not much that can be done with spinal cancer other than pain releafe. Michael Schumacher and I have crossed paths before. The last time that happened I was out of work for three and a half months with a broken leg from a motor cycle accenden cause by oil on the road. Michael while worse off; after one of his racing accenden, seemed to recovered quicker and I think won another event. I on the other hand, I seem to start on life decline to where I am today; fortune and health wise.
Our fortunes seem to have cross roads again. It’s a world where God and know middle man are involved. I pray Michael you pull through this one, our world’s are far apart, however; we both want to be part of this world and the wouldetful family we have around us. My results come out today, and on my behalf, I ask God for his kindness and help. Give us hope and the rest we can do ourselves.

Gerard.
10th January 2014.

Well the doctor has just called into me to explain the procedure to me. The risks and the positive side also. I have a good insight to what is going on and what has to to be done. I start fasting at midnight  and the operation starts on Christmas Eve the night our saver came into this world. Time’s like this I think of all the good that came from that special advent and how it ended at that time; however, turned into the start of a faith that I am part off and neglected. Everyone can mend their ways while here and improve on the way they live and towards our fellow person and that is my gold if God spares me and guide me through this cancer. Happy Christmas to you all and a special thank to my Partner who has been beside me through all this hell life has imposed on us. May we all have a better time soon.

Gerard

23rd January 2013.

Gerard Mac Sharry.2013

Gerard Mac Sharry in Galway University Hospitals. 22nd December 2013.

It’s at 5 am in my hospital bed at Galway Cancer University Hospital and my big day spinal operation is on Christmas Eve. I now have cancer in my spin and five of my vertebra have been effected which has interfered with my walk causing a lot of pain. I am tide to my bed until this procedure is carried out to take out some of the cancer bone that is placing to much pressure on my internal spine fluid causing my walk problem. Daniel my partner is beside me for the hours the hospital time we have. There always a problem coming our way. everything is closing down for Christmas and Daniel has no place to stay for those few days Turing and after my spinal operation. Money as always is the problem.He cannot manage my car or drive on this side of the road with it’s stick shift gearbox, so he cannot make use of of our home outside Galway. It is to far out anyway. It’s moments like this you wish you live in the city where there a proper public transport system. It would be nice to wake up after an operation knowing my partner of five years (another long going story I filed under immigration) was there; however the time of year look like spoiling all that. We have to work around bus timetables that are still running and the extra expense of B&B/Hotel when they are open and not to far when walking from the hospital has not got any easier and my operation, whole good in that it should return my walking, it does have very bad side effects. The cancer has a chance to carry on while all this is healing to do what it’s out to do; have it free, as I need to heal before chemotherapy starts. All I can hope for now is a miracle. There just to much to go wrong and with the way things have been for us I think it is to much to expect. If it does work out it will stable my back for what is to come. Chemotherapy seems the next step local first and when better all over to counter the free time the cancer had while I was recovering. it’s been a very hard ordeal for the two of us since 2009. This June 2013 Has seen it spread like fire. I only hope Daniel can find a place to carry him through this few days as I can do nothing. Moments like this you discover what entering the disable world is all about. You have lost your freedom.

Gerard
20th December 2013

Gerards PictureThis is the 1st September 2013. and I look forward to the end of this year. What a year it has been so far, mostly bad; however, it looks like there might be hope towards the end of this year.

Shortly after my mother passed away; I said to my father that this is a real test for the story that there is an afterlife, because my mother would do what she could for us while alive and it would be the same when on the other side, if it is true. My faith has died a long time ago, so I was cynical when I said that to my father.

Well shortly after that while calling to hospital things started to happen. On one of these visits on the 19th August 2013  I asked the consultant team for Cormac Small to let me know what my PSA reading was, as I had not had an update since my treatment on the 22nd June 2013 which was 7.3. He seem a bit taken back by what he saw on the screen. First, he thought there might have been a fault in the readings as it looked like my PSA was going down, 2.3 to 2.1  in three weeks which it should not be doing as I am not on any hormone treatment. As things stand at this moment, the only treatment I am having is, “Zoledronic Acid” once a month which reclaims the calcium from my blood that the cancer has taken. There no reason why my PSA is dropping, if anything it should have risen to 10 to 15 as I have bone cancer. He said we will wait until your next blood test in September and see how it goes.

I had another appointment on the 22nd August 2013 the same week with consultant  Paul Donnellan team to talk about my chemotherapy. This appointment was very upbeat and the consultant said she does not understand what is happening as I am not on any steroid injection. It would appear that my PSA is dropping for some reason and whatever I am doing, keep on doing it. She cancel all the drug treatment I was to go under for the chemotherapy until my next appointment, as she did not want to interfere with what was happening. She seem excited about what was going on within me and I left feeling good; however reserved, as I have been through hell with this cancer and do not trust it.

I will wait a bit longer before thinking that life just might be giving me a second chance. My family seem reserved; however, Daniel my partner was over the moon and told me I told you all along that we will beat this. I am looking forward to having him here for the whole year and beyond when he get his second course in accountancy.

If I have got through this cancer and time will tell, I know who to thank for this, it’s my mother. Nothing happened until she passed away; what more does a person need than that as proof that there is an afterlife, in a way, I am relieved to know that we live on and this life is only a start.

Gerard Mac Sharry.

1st September 2013.

Well life has not stop with its deadly surprises. My mother passJaen Fitzgerald Kennedy & Marie Dunleavy Mac Sharry. away on the 6th of August at midnight. We were expecting it; however, when the time comes it is never right. I was asleep at the time in my new home. I had finally stuck to my original plan and got my own place. My brother ex-partner was very close to my mother and she took it very bad. He asked me to look after her as he was on duty in the army and was about to put in for relief. As he was four hours away I stood in for him. I did not show any affection at all for my mothers death. I knew with me it will hit me two or three days later. I think Sharon my brother ex-partner was taken back by how cool I was. My mother had just died and it appeared to have no effect on me. I did what I could do for Sharon and when my brother arrived I went back home.

I knew that this was going to hit me and I did not know when. Daniel my partner was online on Skype and I talked all night with him. He was like Sharon crying his eyes out and here I was just cool and showing no emotion at all. I was annoyed at my father for some reason. I told Daniel that I must be a cold bastard not to feel what everyone else is feeling now.  He told me I was in shock and people like that behave like you do. I am here for you.

I never got any sleep that morning. I got up early and head over to my father. He was up with my brother Michael in the sitting room. I put my hand on his head and that was the first time I shed a tear for my mother. I went into the kitchen to put on the kettle for a cuppa and then broke down and cried. It just realised she was gone for good. I remember her saying to me a few weeks before, you and I will be leaving soon. I only wish we could be together. I brush her off and said it is not time yet for me. My mother has great believer in prayer and a few weeks later when I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and had to be rushed into Galway Hospital for emergency treatment at the same time my mother was rushed into hospital in Castlebar. As I was leaving my mother put her hands up to the sky and said I want to go. What no one else knew was that she was asking god to take her instead of her son. All mothers will do everything for their family, despite what age their kids are and here was an example.

My mother and me were very close; however, I was so tied up in myself looking after me, I did not see the full picture. My mother was dying before my eyes and I never cop on to it until it was too late. In all the time she was in hospital I only called into see her once. The next time I met her was at home and she was so small in her new special bed which she did not like. I shaked hands with her at a distance as I was afraid I might pick up another hospital bug like I did before. I could not take a chance again as my immune system is very low. This I knew at the time I would regret as my mother was expecting a hug. I even thought later if I put on something to protect me I could hug her; however, what could it be. I left it at that and on Monday I was to call to see her. I mention this to Sharon and we both agreed we call up on Wednesday. Death did not wait and my mother went that night. needless to say I will always regret not giving her a hug at that time. I do know now that my mother was right in saying we are both going soon as I can see changes coming in my life that are not good for me.  I attended her funeral at the church which was nice and when she was laid to rest. It all turned out well on the day. There was a great peace in my fathers home and for the first time my sister and me talked as we use to. As usual cancer takes it told on me. I was very tired, once I get like that I find it hard to walk straight and concentrate. I stay overnight in my fathers home. Later on I could hear everyone downstairs talking into the late hours of the morning. I was too weak to join in and when I awaken the next morning everyone had left. I had breakfast and headed up to my mothers grave. It was a silent moment between her and me. I headed home to make a cuppa for dad and we talked. My brother Noel was trying to sleep in the sitting room while the parrot was in full singing mood as he is at that time of the morning. I told Noel to move upstairs to my old room and sleep there. My father told me no one will sleep in your room. I told dad I had my own place now and that room is no longer mine. It is nice to have ones own place call home.

My only problem now is waiting for Daniel to join me and I wonder for how long that will be. Its all out of my hands now, they say two years and I am just a spectator watching my watch to see if they are right or not.

Gerard Mac Sharry.

10th August 2013.

Jamal Assoued PictureWell as I said early on, life is fluid with me. I have moved on to a different doctor and town. I now have my own home with my own front door. I will choose who enter and who will not. Unfortunately two years is all I have and my quality of life will deteriorate very fast I am told. What a future to look forward to. I have enough resources of my own since getting rid of everything I once had, plus the help of my family to last that stretch of two years and after that, I will be penniless, however, that one good thing about knowing your time. I have decided not to go down the road of social assistance, as once in their hands they think they own you. Too many forms, to many conditions. I have medical care under my PRSI I pay all my life and that helps; fortunately, I still have to pay for drugs that are not covered and yet are critical for my treatment.

I hate civil servant with a passion, since when did they become medical GP. I am not working and yet I have to find the resources out of my little money I now have. Fraud is the only word I have for this state behaviour with health insurance cover PRSI we all paid for. Since I have been brought into the health system I have discovered how the wealthy few medical people who charge so much rob sick people. I have also discovered how cold and reserved they can be. The nurses seem to be the good side of it all and it is them that give the other side the respectability they do not deserve.

Consultants differ and the sick person pays. One consultant who diagnosed me back in 2010; said I need triple radiation, a second said no, only radiation. A third said the first prognosis was right. I knew all along that these three consultants were all wrong; because I pay privately to have a consultation with the top consultant in Ireland on prostate cancer back in 2010. His prognoses at that time shocked me; I had a 15% chance of getting past five years with what was available in treatment for prostate cancer.

It looks like the fourth consultation was right all along. The difference in the Mr 4, I paid for him. Without money, the medical profession are prepared to let you die and all the bullshit they come out with caring for the sick is just that, bullshit. Look at the cost of healthcare in Ireland and compare it to Spain. They are a greedy lot living of sick people and draining them of their little resources that they have. What a filthy way to make money.

I also must thank the Irish Cancer Society for their help to me. Unlike the state and all it paperwork they are a force of action and how things should be for people who have terminal cancer. This state owes me a pension I paid into and will not benefit from. Who is robbing whom?

Gerard Mac Sharry.

24th July 2013.

Gerard's PictureI have gone through the 11th July and met my Dr Donnell at Galway Cancer Hospital. I took Sharron my sister in law into the interview with me and what a difference it made. Two heads are better than one in situations like this. I now have stage 4 cancer. I am still capable of work as is a 65-year-old man, yet he is not expected to work and taking that I have six months to ten years of which my life will have detracted into bedridden, it sounds very cruel to be classified like this. I am a single man having worked all my life paying higher tax as do all single couples with little for it at the end of the day. I will not see my state pension I have paid into all my life; all I need now to put me at ease is some form of help. My pension would suit me fine; however, that is not on with this red tape country I live in. Going down this disability and other direction is the only step now open to me and it looks like I do not qualify for this if I am able for work with Stage 4 terminal cancer. This is red tape gone mad. It is putting a tremendous strain on me I do not need now. The country is so small and full of red tape that a simple one straight answer is not suffice to explain all the reasons I a stage 4 cancer person am not able for work. I do not have time for all this pressure and I feel let down with everything the way it has been towards Daniel and I. My family, my State and now it appears my aftercare from my own Doctors clinic was not to the standard I would have thought a advanced prostate cancer person is required to have, which I did not received.

When the fact of my case on file were read by Dr. Donnelly, he appeared shocked that I had to pay €250 for an IC scan in Castlebar Hospital on the 20th June 2013, as I was a very high-risk patient, when my PSA had started to rise in 7th June 2012 that was the time to take action. I mention about the pain I had on my right leg to my doctor on the 25th March 2013. This was where I was receiving my three monthly steroid injections for the past three years. He said that was sufficient warning that things were not right and surely complaining about a lot of back pain on the 14th June 2013, at 11am,  in itself was more than enough warning that it should have been picked up on. Regardless of what I thought, it was. I should not have had to wait one whole week and then pay for my own scan. I also should have not had to follow up this request. I was register as a high-risk advance prostate cancer patient whose first PSA was a reading of 47.9 on the 25th January 2010 with 95% cancer on all my samples taking with the transrectal needle biopsy procedure on the 26th February 2010. He said I am now under his treatment and we are arrange my new procedures I now have to go under because of this new setback in my life into bone cancer I find myself now in. When will this asshole country understand that aftercare is part of a persons health plan to recovery and without it this is what happens.

This fact was known by everyone, including my family, work mate, as I was open to all. It is now in my bones, it was not in my bones when I had had my bone scan on 16th April 2010.

He also said it would have been wise to had had chemotherapy alongside my radiation cancer treatment on the 28th July 2010, particular if there had been concern that it had gone into my lymph glands as was mention at the time. I did ask Professor Sullivan about this on the 2nd July 2013, and his reply was that at that time he did not advise it; however, Professor Eamonn Roggers, who diagnosed me with my cancer in 7th April 2010 at that time, did advise triple radiation. That consists of Radiation, Chemotherapy and Bracketing, which ran alongside with steroids drug injection treatment to halt the spread of the cancer at this early stage. Drug treatment is not classified as one of the triple radiation treatments as it was hinted at by one of the Professor to me when I mention this later.

As you can make out from the mansion above Blogs; I did not get this, neither did I get the bones scans I should have had each year under good medical practice, which I should have because I was a high-risk patient. I now carry the price for this. I know I only had a 15% percent chance any way; from the start according to Professor Ted McDermott on the 7th April 2010 when I called for a second opinion on my recently diagnosed cancer. This is the only thing now from stopping me taking legal action against my doctor and hospital for not giving me the aftercare I should have had, I am not a doctor and I depend on them to look after my interest and you can see from the above mansion details I did not get this. It would have at least slowly down the cancer giving me more time.

However, I now must carry on with each day as it comes, because I am now in the club of cancer knowing as Stage 4, this will affect everything in my coming life from now on, my driving is one. I have to inform them and if I am not covered, I have no way of getting around. Having your own transport why living in the country is one of the most important things one must have. On top of this, my father will not be allowed to drive next year because of his age and eyesight. Therefore, we have no transport if that is taken away also. I am a professional driver; so I know my limits, and I will not drive if I am affected in anyway by my condition. At this moment, I do not have any problems in that field. I do worry; as I know I will in time, however, that depends on each person who is been treated for this, that why Dr. Donnell has gave such a wide open from six months to ten years. He will know better between bone scans and then let me know my predicted time. I need to know this, as I have to clean up my affairs.  Once cancer is in your bones it is in your blood and that means all your organs now are at risk. I am amazed at how I have accepted it now. I only hope God who I feel has abandonment me; does not let it get into my brain, as I want to be sane when my time comes.

Going into great detail like this can be off putting for people reading this; however, you will not get information like this from any website connected with advance Prostate cancer, I have searched. I also want to know and I want our health inspectors understand when a person is diagnosed with advanced cancer; this is the end result for the person on this side. That person should not have to be put through an exam from a standard GP in the health centre in Ballina to assess if this person should be taken off sick benefit. They are not qualified to make such a decision as I have demonstrated above.In my case, I had to be medically discharged by CIE, it is the only way you can go onto sick benefit and is the only benefit I could go onto while going throught two months of test and treatment. This payment only last for two years. After that, you go onto disability benefit if your condition gets worse, which it will with advance prostate cancer as there is no cure for it; and on that, I did not want to go in that direction as once on it, you are classified as disability and work becomes that harder to get.

You see I still thought I would get work in CIE in Ballina, as I was one of the longer serving part time drivers. I was there since 2007. There was work coming up to February 2012 as a driver was retiring and this was mansion to me by a Mr Fitzpatrick who worked there. At this time, I still had five months benefit to go through; however, I signed off. If this part time job came through it would have been my dream return to a normal working life again, to have pride in that I am making my own way, as I was before this cancer came into my life. Moreover; I did have good reason, as signs on my PSA front were still dropping at that time into the very low 0.27 on the 21st March 2012; everything was looking good for me.

Well time past and there was no sign of this work, Michael Fitzpatrick retired, and that was that. I concluded that I was not part of the click and I have wasted six years of my life trying to get a position there through the school bus route. I was told, first in prevails in CIE and I did not see this while there in Ballina under this new management. At least I was honest on my part in sticking to what I was told at the start by Mr. Michael Fitzpatrick of CIE a very good man.

I had to find another field and train myself again, as I did in professional driver when I closed down my plumbing business of twenty-one years back in 2006. I took on some education courses to improve my maths and PC Microsoft software skills, which were fine anyway. I am self-taught in everything in my life and I thought for once try the Irish education way. It did not work out for me. The only class I enjoyed was the maths and internet web design. I did a course a few years ago on this in Galway while working for Air Coach in Dublin and they made room for me on my shift work timetable. I also have all the Adobe software, which as anyone with this setup knows, is very expense. I still have an interest in web design as photography is my passion and the two go together. I have all the gear for both photography and web design and this was acquired throughout my life going back many years costing many thousands of euros.

Nikon, Sony and Samsung are the preferred gear I use. All my PC’s setup are custom build by me for digital editing and my entire home is wired, so that I can work from abroad on my setup. I was building a digital library of work I am capable of and wedding photography in the Gay field was my plan. I know in this field as a gay man, I was not happy with what I was seeing online and in the newspaper; too many stereotypes of what gay people are like according to the straight community.

That was my plan. Daniel and I had a course lined up in the UK to attend in July 2013. As you can see again, cancer now has put an end to this as it did in CIE. I have to hold back and see how my cancer is spreading. If I am one of the lucky one that looks like I might hit that lucky ten years, I will go in this direction. It gives me hope thinking about it.

Now you can see why a small income will help me, as it is a huge strain off my shoulders. To have to ask for money is not easy, particularly when I always had my own resources. I now live on selling of what I have and that is now ending.  Again, my Partner Daniel and family have been outstanding. It is moments like this that you thank God for the good things; I must get all this out, so that I can get on with life and not have hate for anyone. We are not Gods: however, there is a cost that I seem to be the only one to be carrying and that is not fair.

Yours,

Gerard Mac Sharry.

12th July 2013.

Christmas PictureSunday 7th. I am going through this disability form I had help with filling in hospital. I had left the address blank because I wanted a place of my own in Ballina. I thought I could survived there on my own until Daniel could arrive here. Unfortunately all this paperwork we have to go through so that Daniel could be with me (as he lives outside Europe) for over two years takes time and that is one thing a person who need aftercare does not have. I fill in my parents address and gave the form another going over. I discover that the radiations consultant who filled in my diagnoses a Pro Sullivan, put down fit for work and training and mention I was recovering from prostate, MRSA and a spinal compression tumour. No mention of advance prostate cancer, of what the Castlebar hospital Consultant told me over the phone on that Friday that my cancer had moved into my spine and a tumour had form on my spine.

Thermal cancer patient are not fit for work. I was stunned by this, as how could he make such a mistake when in his report he mentions all the prognosis that I have been through, each which would have taken large part of time away from my work. I lost my chance of getting into CIE because of this on-going problem, with holding onto work and receiving treatment at the same time. And what about this diagnose made out to me on that Friday, was I thermal or not?

In one way, I was beginning to think very good thought that it might not be as bad as I was told first, then why was I going in for chemotherapy. The next meeting in Galway Cancer Hospital is on the 11th of this month. I decided for once and for all get this in writing what my position is. Why I might not get disability benefit and I will be the only person in Ireland who has a case for it; I will be more than delighted if I did not; if my prognosis that I thought was, was not, all I need then, was a job. It would help me pull myself out of this hole that I am in, a hole that has driven me to offload all most everything I have earned for myself in saving, vehicles and property I had to keep my head above water. I do not receive any state benefit yet. If I cannot get work then I have no choice like everyone else but to draw.

Today is Monday 8th July 2013. All night I spoke to Daniel on this. Could it be good news or am I just getting my hopes to high. They did say it’s more likely on my bones if it got into my spine. That how the conversation went all night and it was having its tool on Daniel. How I hate how this baster has entered into our life. We had happy thought of what was coming our way and we were planning for it. Then cancer enter and now it’s taking over.

Up again at 4:30am as my sleep patterns are effected with all this crap medication that I have to take from now on. They say in time my body will adapt and I will return to my regular sleep patents. I was feeling very good this morning like there was a chance that things might not be as bad. The good thing about summer it is bright and a wonderful time to be up, you have the world to yourself and this week the weather is outstanding.

Today I have to organise my medication with my local doctor so that I can order it from my chemist. All this list of medication Galway Hospital handed to me to hand into the Ballina Hospital seem very long to me; however, we will see. At 9:30am I head over to my doctor. I decided to walk, even though I am not to stable on my feet. I need to get up standing as this is good, sitting down or lying in bed is not good for the body. I make it to discover the doctor was still not there, despite a very large que. I did not want to put myself in more danger sitting in a doctors waiting room, so I walk back home again. It was an ordeal that took a lot out of me physically to my surprise. After a short rest, I was all pump up with doing this little thing that I decided to see could I manage a bit of small cleaning in the kitchen, which had been neglected while I was not there. Then I got more ambitious and decided to see could I manage the hover and so it went which with a little help from my father we managed to wash the dog to. I try the doctor surgery this time with luck; however, just to leave in my list of medication for them to interpret and again I called back to pick up the list of prescribed medication for me. I then decided to try to walk towards pharmacy in the small Village of Killala to collect my prescription. When I handed it across the counter, I could see there was a lot of staring at my list. It seem very large and it cost me €36 in total, despite me having an untreatable cancer. Two large paper bag arrived on the counter. I looked in shocked and had a very hard time trying to control my emotions from braking down there. I thought to myself look what this baster cancer has brought my way, all this crap been pump into me because of it. The girl behind the counter said nothing; however, she knew from the look of my face what I must have been thinking. She has seen me when I did not have cancer.

I walk out of the chemist towards my home carrying these two large bags in one hand. It was a beautiful sunny evening and across the road a neighbour shouted, some nice words; however, I just broke down crying and carry on with just a wave. I could not stop crying, I know everyone passing in their cars must have thought I was mad. I just could not understand why life has done this to me. It did me good, because I carry on home regardless and thought to myself if they were going through what I am at this moment they would probably do the same. It seem that people in time move away from people who are been pulled into the grave by a sickness that they have no control off, you feel it at moments like this; however, I have notice a very strong person inside me that always comes to my rescue and that happen again today. I cop on to myself and said we will just get on with our self and make this work.

When I arrived home I went through each item in the comfort of my home. There was no instructions apart from what was on the medication containers. Working from this I could make out what to take. I did not get any instructions from my GP office; however, that not unusual. I always felt that I was not getting the proper aftercare from them. The attitude from the reception does not encourage asking questions. I discovered that as I went thought early item that this was the same list that one hospital to another pass on and that my GP did not make out the right list for me. It was up to them to check it out as they had plenty of time when I first dropped in my copy I received from Galway Hospital.

What they did was used the same list. I ask my father to drive me back into the Village again, as all this walking was beginning to tyre me out. Again like an Angle he did. One and a half bags went back and that took a big strain of my shoulders. I now have two extra drugs to add to the third to take in my life to slow down this baster that try to take my life from me. This on top of 48 sessions of radiation and soon chemotherapy. My day was almost over: however, I felt so good been what I was rather than this person lying to a bed for a whole week not allowed up and then the experience of my recover hospital. No, I will keep control of my life for as long as I can before I let these well-meaning people take over; from that day, I will wish death onto me.

Gerard Mac Sharry.

9th July 2013.

I am back home again in my parents’ home. My father had kept in contact by phone which is something he never did in the past. On one of these talks which went on for over twenty minutes he told me he was on his own and he did not understand how he has not gone mad with the way life has thought everything at him all at the same time. He then told me life was wrong in what it did to you, you never hurt anyone and it did this horrible thing. I cry listening to my eighty-one year old father trying to understand life. I started to come to terms with the sickness I have and what it is doing to my life and my family. In two years if it carries on the way it is I will not be mobile any more. Daniel will have a different partner then. Older and a burden. The care I am receiving here in Ballina care hospital is outstanding; however, I am in a room sharing with five old gentlemen who all are coming to the last years of their life. They are not booming with life and in most cases do not want to live, I on the other hand do. It is not the approached place for my aftercare as I need to be positive and that is in very short supply here.

Everything here appears to me personally to be fixed in the doom day that is coming. Coming to terms with the cards dealt to me is the many different ways you find yourself in before you come to the position you take on the day. Each day is fluid and changing and I must say to myself, just because today seem fixed and never changing it can and will in time. I decided there and then to go home to be with my Father who was on his own. I was finding this place was not helping me with my aftercare at all, it was depleting my spirits and each day I stay here the more and more I was heading in this way.

One is reasonability for one own health and the decisions that you can make. At this time thank God I can still request to sign out and that is what I did on Friday. I also wanted to clear up a few facts with my doctor there on the cancer. I told my Father my decision. It made his day. He told me it is our time now and we will do everything to enjoy these special day. I will come in for you now. I told him there a bit of paperwork for me to settle before I will be coming home, it’s more than likely it will be tomorrow. I will phone you Dad.

That night after bedtime I asked to talk to one of the staff who I had taken to in private. After her long hours of work in the late hours in the morning we talked. It did me a lot for me. The hours these staff do is outstanding and no one knows. I went back to my room later, smells, noise and all that goes with six people in one long room. I told myself, why put myself and father thought all this because I want to do something now I should have done years ago. I have a beautiful home with love waiting there for me and I choose this. I will need aftercare until I can take over my life again and in an apartment on my own I cannot do that. My walking has suffered because of the radiation to my spine and it will take time to recover. Finding a fix for Daniel to be here for over two years takes time as all applications for college places in Ireland must be made from where you are resided. Daniel and I are on line twenty-four hours, thank to my internet. We have a course arrange that will fulfil this and all we have to do now is put into action and he is here for two years.

Paperwork is our lives, hopping onto a plain and then been forced out of the country after his special six months runs out is not on our cards. Like it or not that the time that I seem to have. Again I have hope and this end I want to be on. At the same time I do not want him to waste his time here. I have insisted while here he take on a course that will lead to a Masters. Charter Accounts is the field he has chosen as he has already a Bachelor’s on another course and is bilingual in Spanish and English. That gives me peace of mind knowing he will be here and there will be something at the end of the line for him.

Waiting for Daniel paperwork to come through with no complications is now our wait. We hope by next month Daniel and I will be together. Until this happens I still need aftercare and my father wants me home, my hearth is longing to be there also with the dog and all that goes with a home.

This is Saturday, and still no sign of this doctor I want to see to sign me out. The time slips away and now it is, 3pm. All the time there I was in contact with my brother who was trying to settle a deal with the sale of my van. I made enquiries as to why it was taking so long. Then out of the blue came the response. Can you not stay until tomorrow as the doctor is not here? I told her as quickly as her response I am leaving here today.

Another hour was approaching and still no sign of this doctor I had requested a day before to see. I looked at all these old men and thought to myself can they leave, or are they been treated in the same way. Well I thought to myself I am going home if they like it or not. I approached reception in a manner that did not need words to say, this person is going home come St. Paul or whatever this place is called. To my suspire; the staff all agreed and seem excited I had done something, as this was not the place for a person like me with the will to live. They went out of their way to set up a short supply of very important drugs that treat my cancer. I phone my Father and went back to my room with my head up high. As I headed towards the waiting room a number of staff approached me and said that they will pray for me to find the strength to carry on with this burden of cancer. It was a nice thought; however, this sort of sad outlook is what I have to get away from. I have cards dealt to me and life understands them. I have given up a long time trying to understand life. I take life now a day at a time. That how I cope. To anyone who lives a structure life it is hard to understand; however, when advance cancer comes into your life you must adapt or give in to a life-like all that these old men here. I do not know about you; however, I do know that this is not the way for me.

I kept on thinking of my poor father coming for me. The last time he did that like the situation I am in now was when I was at school. It must be so hard on him knowing what is happening and trying to understand. I cry when the jeep came around the corner for me and there driving it was my eighty-one year old father. I could have got a taxi; however, my father and I wanted this moment together in private and that what we both had.

Sickness in a family brings terrible strain onto everyone and the person with it. We all say things that are very unfair. Remember; this is my blog, always have an open mind on everything I say. No matter what I say on my family they have their hands full with me, as I do with them; however, I would not trade them for anything in this world. We have our ups and downs. That what families do. They are there for you. You get out of them what you put in. Forgive is the secret I think.

I now have sold my van, next is my car and motorcycle. This money we need, until I can setup some form of support which I am working on. I cannot work as a professional driver anymore and it looks like my driving days will come to an end if the cancer carries on at this rate. Everyone in their own way are trying to guide me. It will I hope come well. That all I can look forward to. That all for now.

Gerard, Mac, Sharry

I love this car. I had many a happy time with it. Time change and now it has to go.

7th July 2013.

Jamal Assoued PictureWell it four thirty in the morning and I am heading out to have my first shower to get rid of this hospital bug I seem to pick up while looking after my mother, this on top of my cancer returning. It has now moved into my spine and possible my bones. I had to pay for this information to get a test in Castlebar Hospitals other wards September was the date next appointment. I had sever back pains while I had called over to see Daniel in Panama and the doctor there advise me to go home straight away, and thought it was back problems which I always had in my life. I was been treated by my Doctor as an advance prostate cancer person and had complain before my last injection back in 25th June 2013. However, this did not surprise me as they rearrange am appointment for me on December to May. I had missed my May approximant in Galway Hospital as I was calling to see Daniel in Panama. I was having pains in my right leg where I had been receiving my injection. My doctor change legs. Despite telling my doctor of these back pains and saying, I am not waiting until September for my next appointment I will pay up front. Five days past and no signs, I called over and the phone number was given to me to try myself, which I did when I return to my parents’ home. We arrange it for Thursday 20thfor a scan of my back pain area. I drove in and the pain was unbearable, paid the cash up front first then had the scan. When they discover I had advance prostate which they did not know of with the first scan, she told me they have to redo the scan all over; however, this time it covered my full spine.

On leaving the room I told the woman there that I want them to send it on to Galway hospital as I am been treated there for cancer. She said she would if they want it. I got no CD as it was late and they were having problems with their PC. That was that and I headed home.

I knew while driving home I would not be taking my father into Galway hospital on Monday as driving was causing me too much pain. Jurying the weekend I ask Michael to take over which he did. On Friday my Mother played up again and my Father and had I terrible problems trying to get her of the floor into her bed. The phone call came for me, it was the consultant from Castlebar informing me my cancer had moved into my spine. I need to get into Galway hospital straight away.

When he heard what I was doing at that time he told me not to life anything as the pressure will lead to me been paralysed and then there was nothing that could be done. Get to a Galway hospital straight away. I called over to my GP just to see what all this was about all a sudden. He told me it was very grave and the pain I am in now will be nothing before the week is up. I got a proscription from him the hospital had requested and Michael my brother took me in my father’s jeep. I was tested for hospital bug and then isolated when I was dynodes with MRSA and put to bed lying on my back for a week before I was allow to sit up again. All along while this was happening I was going through ten sessions of radiation and very strong steroids to stop this cancer.

It has been very stressful when I also had to deal with problems at home that were imposed on me by my sister and mother interfering with home help I had thought was up and running two years ago. I turn out they did not sign the papers and as such this care potage could not be implement. Just before I had to leave for Hospital, the caretaker and I had a few words and all this information came forward to me. I told her I will sign the papers and she informs me it had to be your Mother. I called my Father in which annoyed him because he had to make a decision for once and I told my Mother I have had enough of this carrying on. I have a life, which you all in this family seem to take for granted and I want this sorted out here and now. She signed the papers and the district nurse said she had achieved more here today than she has done in the two years before. Later, when I mention this to my sister. It was a catalysed onto her to use for more abuse I have been receiving from her and her daughter overtime. We cannot give the care my mother need and when I ask my mother did she abject to going into care. She said she knows everything I would do for her was good and she did not mind, as she was not receiving it here. I try doing something for proper care for my mother. My father upset by me dragging him into making a decision again, sided once again against me and my pushy ways with his beloved daughter who does not live there 24/7.

When decisions have to be made in my family like this and my handicap sister care was another, I was the one who push them when I could see they were not up for this kind of caring anymore in there old age. I am the bad one now that the price one pays when your father does not take on his responsibilities as the man of the house. Therefore, I step in and that the way it has always been in my parents’ home, other word nothing would have been done.

Well this time I have decided I had to get out of my home of twenty-four years and now make it on my own with thermal cancer now coming up fast behind me. Let them get on with it. I have done my spell long enough. I am now in Ballina old people’s hospital on aftercare before my next appointment in Galway on the 11th of July 2013 and this will tell me my outcome and the time I have left. From this bed in Ballina hospital, I am planning my final time in this world and Daniel will be part of it when he gets into Ireland on this Master degree in accounts we are trying to get up and running. We need three years so that he can be here with me and I can finally register him as my partner. We are four and a half years together now; however, that is not taken into account, as this state has no policy for couple outside this state in the position we find ourselves. It is cruel and not the way to treat two people who are going to hell at this moment; However, we have to live with it and there another day to get through. Day by day is how I am taking it. All I do know so far this world has turned out to be a very cruel place when you are not with it with no compassion showing in any way towards the two of us at all that can move things. We have to find all the help we can and try to see how we can make this happen ourselves, before my time comes. We will never give up on this. Daniel is my partner for life regardless of our age and we have no problem with that and neither have our extended families. The story goes on.

Yours,

Gerard Mac Sharry.

07th July 2013.

What is the cost of denying a partner the dignity of having there partner living with them because of immigration red tape caused by laws that were not thought out in a humane way. In Ireland I am not allow to live with my partner of four years four months. There is no position to allow for this and we live with it each day of our lives. Skype is our contact and it is on twenty-four seven in our homes. Thank God for broadband. We both take turns traveling to be with each other for time when the money is there as in our case it is a round trip of twenty four hours every time we have to see each other. All this cost and suffering on us because of Irish law that is not humane towards real people in situations like ours, no credit is taken into account of the years we have been together, and no way to move it on. The minister office seems to not know Irish law when you try to get them to do something on this. They shift the responsibility on an emigration officer as if he can make policy. He goes by the law and cannot change anything. It’s the minister and his top brass are the people responsible for chance and because it does not affect them or their family’s they just do not care.

Well let me tell you the cost to me and I am sure I am not alone on this. I have advance prostate cancer since 2010. It now gone into my spine and I am been treated for it. It is also in my bones. On each occasion, I was on my own going through treatment, as this state will not allow my partner live with me. We cannot drop everything in life to be there in an hour a day or even a week. Everything has to be planned and it takes time and a lot of money, not easy with cancer handing over you all the time. I have to register him, I am told each time I try to do something about this and to do that he has to be living with me for two years here in Ireland; however, he is not allow into Ireland for more than three months per year and that includes any European country he visits. This will be taken into account when he comes here. We live on a timetable textbook that decides how we spend our time in Ireland. If he uses it all up, it tuff luck for me. Next year is what I have to wait for to start all this over repeatedly. It seems to go on and on and no one cares.

If I want to drive a car I cannot without a licence, provision are made there for me to apply in my country, yet there is no provision for me to register my partner outside Ireland if they will not let him in to do so. We are four and a half years together and this arrogant state will not recognise we are a couple, as we have not fulfilled their impossible procedure that they setup.

This is very cruel as I am a thermal sick cancer person with not too much time on my side. We are going through hell while these blue boys in power play games with our relationship and the pain they are impose on us in this time of pity. I need my partner register and recognised, as so and this should have been done over two years ago. I need him now for my aftercare and love as everyone has from his or her love one. This behaviour from another human is deplorable. I am an Irish man and Daniel is my partner and if we could have married we would, however, again my state treats me as a second-hand citizen.

I need my partner living here with me doing what couples do in everyday life and if he had been here, I probably would not be in the situation I am now. Couples look out for each other and this state denied us that with immoral laws that did not make provision for our position. It is not that your department did not know of this, you just did not care, as it was not your problem. We have a lot of pain in our life and we do not want anymore. I want my partner register and all the time we have been together taken into account for our next step, which I hope, is marriage if life spars me.

Yours,

Gerard Mac Sharry.

02nd July 2013.